Dave Alpert: I Know Where You’re Going with That

Over the past few months, I’ve experienced a new scourge in incoming automated phone messages.  They are perpetrated by a debt collection agency called FMS Incorporated based on Tulsa, OK.  The automated message states that they are looking for Tyco Pilonko.  But here’s the twist: even though they are leaving a voicemail message, it states, “If you are not Tyco Pilonko, hang up now.  There will now be a 3 second pause.”  The pause was more like a second and a half long.  Then the voice states, “By continuing to listen to this message, you acknowledge that you ARE Tyco Pilonko.”  Did my voicemail, in effect, sign a sworn affidavit that I am Tyco Pilonko??? 

In any event, by looking up their number online, 1-866-530-3819, I discovered a long history of complaints from people being harrassed all over the country by this dude (aka Walter Smith) and his band of merry haters.  Oh, and last month they called asking for Ingrid Greivas.  I am not Ingrid Greivas either.  Fuck off, Walter Smith!  You now have 3 seconds to reply to this blog post.  By NOT replying, you acknowledge that you ARE Walter Smith from FMS, and you owe me $1 million dollars and a full-page apology ad in the New York Times. 1-2- time’s up sucka!

I just heard that the TV show America’s Next Top Model is holding an open casting call at the Park Plaza from 10am-3pm on Saturday.  If you manage to dig out after the snowstorm, head over.  There’s likely to be the largest assembly of hot, emotionally unstable girls that this town has seen all year.  You may have to fight through a crowd of pervs to say ‘hi’ though. 

This photo is from the last Boston casting at Felt:

(Photo credit: boston.com)

Good luck gentlemen!

Channel 5 in Boston was my favorite news channel growing up.  I trusted Chet Curtis, Natalie Jacobson and Dick Albert.  Even when I was older and some of the other stations went to a tabloid format, channel 5 stood its ground.  But, something happened over the past 5 years.  First, that Ed Harding guy sucks; he’s such a hack.  And they have become one of the fluffiest tabloid stations out there.  I especially hate the way they cover weather.  During one storm this winter, they had Ed Harding–their frigging anchor man–live at a mall parking lot.  To make his point about the depth of snow, he asked the camera to zoom in on his boot which was a WHOLE ankle deep in snow.  So scientific.  So helpful to the rest of us.  So stupid!  This morning, I watched a reporter throw her clipboard on the ground and kick snow on it as a way to prove to the rest of us that there is actually snow on the ground.  Do you people actually think we are really that retarded?  Or is it that you are that retarded?  Either way, shame on you Channel 5 Boston.  You officially suck like everyone else.

I’ve written about parking in the Fenway–more specifically parking bans in the Fenway–many times.  Check out this post about the Red Sox playoffs and this one about the World Series.  Game 4 wasn’t even in Boston!  Super Bowl XLII has brought with it great hopes and also new extremes in parking bans.  And the Patriots have nothing to do with the Fenway. 

The Boston Police plan to start towing cars at 8am tomorrow morning.  And while in previous sports seasons, the ban was mainly on Hemenway Street, lined with Northeastern dorms, this time it also extends to Westland Avenue and many of the side streets.  Walking around the neighborhood, I discovered that by 8am tomorrow, all the cars in half mile radius have to squeeze onto 3 side streets between Westland Ave and Boylston Street.  Maybe the signs they put up, in addition to the start and end time of the parking ban, should have told us where we CAN park.  And what the hell are are Back Bay and South End residents going to do tomorrow when they drive to Whole Foods to pick up their organic tofu onion dip and free-range buffalo wings?  Can’t park here.

The main issue is this ludacris strategy for policing the neighborhood.  During the World Series, police were on every corner in full riot gear and bright yellow kung fu style bo staffs.  I assume the same will be the case tomorrow.  So, why ban the cars?  The cars aren’t the ones drinking 40s, making noise, raping and pilaging. 

Why not just ban the Northearstern students?  Not that I think the Northeastern students are bad kids.  But, obviously, the police believe they are guilty until proven innocent.  Therefore, they are punishing the entire neighborhood.  I live in a project building with hard working families, elderly and working stiffs.  There are no undergrads here.  The neighborhood is full of people like us, and we are continuously made to suffer.  I thought collective punishment was against the law in this country.  (We only collectively punish people in other countries.)

And what exactly is going to happen at 8am tomorrow?  The average student will be asleep for another 4 hours–as will I if I score a space where I don’t have to move my car.  The game doesn’t begin until 6pm.  Couldn’t they have given us another 6 hours and make us move the cars at 2pm?

Oh, and here’s a thought for the administration at Northeastern: if you know the neighborhood residents are going to be inconvenienced solely because of your existence, why not lend a hand?  Why not provide parking for the non-student area residents or pick up the tab for some spaces in the local public lots?  Just a thought. 

Go Pats!  GO PATS!!!!!!!!!!!!