Dave Alpert: I Know Where You’re Going with That

I was buying a little multi-grain roll the other day, and I was reminded of a trip I took to the bakery with my good friend Allison many years ago.  What prompted this recollection was the fact that I was using a piece of wax paper to remove the roll from the bin at the store.  I was at a crossroads: discard the wax paper or toss it in the bag with the roll.

Now let’s rewind.  Probably 10 years ago, Allison and I were at a bagel bakery.  We were watching the guy behind the counter conscientiously use a piece of wax paper to gently toss the bagels into the bag.  You see, at bakeries, wax paper is the first line of defense against the spread of disease–protecting the bagels from all the nose picking, butt scratching, sweat wiping, door knob touching and everything else we do that is human.  But when the 13th bagel (baker’s dozen) went in the bag, so, too, did that piece of wax paper.  I saw the horror on Allison’s face, her flailing arms out in front of her.  NOooooooo!!!!!

Those bagels were now swimming in the very sea of germs the wax paper was meant to protect them from.  That wax paper was crowd surfing across all the bagels; every bagel wanted to touch the rock-n-roll wax paper punk as it floated by.  Allison looked on, disgusted and broken.  We discussed the wax paper in depth.  While we did eat the bagels–toasted–she did mention something to the guy.  And I think of this visit to the bakery every time I watch the wax paper go into the bag.  It’s sort of like correctly and skillfully using a condom, and then, after sex, leaving it inside.  But I digress.

This was a world Allison took very seriously, and more than a pet peeve.  In fact, her father had opened the first bagel bakery in Greensboro, NC.  For years, the bakery was one of the most celebrated in the South.  That all ended when Einstein Brothers, Bruegger’s and other chains all decended on Greensboro.  Of course, the final nail in the coffin was when Dunkin Donuts and other coffee chains started pushing bagels as well.  Her dad probably woke up in cold sweats hearing the announcer from Mortal Kombat command “Finish him!” as Fred, the Dunkin Donuts baker, dealt a crushing death blow by blinding him with a scalding cup of coffee and cracking his skull with a chocolate glazed.

Oh, and what did I do in the end with my own piece of wax paper?  I threw it out, of course.  Who the hell knows where my hands have been?!

Correction 8/31/08: Finagle-a-Bagel was not among the bagel chains crushing the little guys down South, only around here.  Long live Bagel Rising! And my main point was that in the past 10-20 years, large bagel chains started springing up across the US, forcing traditional bagel bakeries–unable to compete with their buying power, marketing dollars and automated conveyor belt, buzz saw bagel cutters–to close their doors. 

Last week, two of Boston’s most talented musicians and positive forces in the music community lost their home to fire.  Fortunately, John and Scott Aruda made it out alive–but with just their horns and the clothes on their backs.  Last night, a host of talented friends came together at Atwood’s in Somerville, MA for an impromptu fundraiser.  There is a larger one planned for next month, but friends wanted to help out with a little immediate relief.  Here are some highlights of the show:

John and Scott

Tim Gearan, Christian McNeil, Sean Staples, Lou Ulrich, and Billy Conway (of Morphine) in back

Christian McNeil & Jimmy Ryan

And there was more than just great music…

Vanessa… Where is This Going?

I See…

Yup…

Me, Barely Paying Attention

It was also a night about great friends of the music community…

Sean and Maggie

Me and Abby

Friends and Fans

Still, mainly it was about the music–and the amazing Boston/Cambridge/Somerville music community…

The Band

The real benefit is scheduled for September 24th at Johnny D’s in Somerville, so mark it down and spread the word!

The band and I are ready to rock for the people–every Tuesday in September!  Toad is in Porter Sq, Cambridge.  There’s no cover and it’s a great little bar.  We’ve got some new songs, a new bass player and we’ve got you all night long.  The band goes on at 10pm, but we brought in all the early bands (see below), too, so come early and stay late!

These great bands start at 7:30pm

September 2: Abbie Barrett
September 9: Steve Brodsky
September 16: La Chusma (in Spanish!)
September 23: Josh Buckley
September 30: Liz Borden Band

It’s gonna be fun!  Hope to see everyone there.  Peace!

No.  I don’t.

The other day, I was sitting in the local coffee shop trying to get some work done.  I was sitting next to the bathroom.  A woman walked up to the door, tried the door handle and started pounding on the door.  I told her I thought someone was in there, and she looked at me strangely and marched away.

It got me thinking: is there ever a reason to knock on the door of a public bathroom?  I mean, if the door is locked, there are only 3 reasons.  1. the bathroom is occupied, and you’re going to have to wait. 2. the bathroom is out of order, or 3. you need to get a bathroom key from an employee.  None of these reasons requires any interaction with the person in the bathroom.  All knocking does is instill fear–like at any moment there’s gonna be a messy bathroom invasion–or cause the person to have “stage fright” and you’re gonna have to wait even longer.  I say, let the person be!

A few months back, I attended a show that was organized by Dave Godowsky.  Dave is a singer/songwriter who also plays in the Guns-N-Roses tribute band, Mr. Brownstone.  After a particularly sentimental set, where the regulars at the bar were being shooshed by the singer’s adoring fans, he turned to me and said, “OK. We’re gonna play some rock.”  I said, “So, people can talk?”  He replied, “That’s the definition of rock.” 

I saw Dave again last night–at a folk show–and he helped add to my little list.  So… without further ado…

Top 10 Signs You’re at a Folk Show in Cambridge:

10 - Everyone on stage (and in the audience) is wearing flip-flops.

9 - No one is swearing.

8 - No one is drinking.

7 - Lots of people are wearing hats …that were popular in the first half of the last century.

6 - CDs go for $15 instead of the standard $10 …but the covers are custom printed on brown sandwich bags.

5 - The singer just sang, “I want to graze on you” and no one (except for you) seems to care.

4 - Too much talkin’, not enough rockin’!

3 - The lead singer just introduced a song with, “Well, it’s wedding season again” and no one tried to beat him up.

2 - Everyone is really excited that the guy from Rounder showed up.

1 - And one word: Sssshhhhhhh!!!!!

Dear Coach,

A little over 2 years ago, I wrote this blog post stating my concerns about the children canning for change on the streets of Boston.  As recently as today, blog readers are still weighing in on the issue.  Can you or another representative from the running association help clear up some issues? 

Despite the fact that my post is one of the top search engine results for the running club, no one with any knowledge about the organization and its fundraising practices has come forward.  A representative of South End Baseball commented, doubting the legitimacy of the team.  A few kids claiming to be team members have commented–insulting the rest of people who have commented.  A former college track athlete weighed in.  But mainly, a few dozen concerned Bostonians have expressed their real worries–and some have even tried to take action beyond commenting on this blog.

Search engines do return race results for Boston Chargers runners.  Therefore, I believe there is a good chance the organization, in fact, exists.  However, many doubt that the kids on the streets are actually on the team.  And many are concerned that the fundraising practices–if they are in fact on behalf of the team–are unsafe.  Most importantly, if these children are not attached to the team, the city should shut down this operation.  If they are with the team, the city should work with the parents and organizers to find grants and other fundraising strategies.  It’s one thing for adults, who feel they have no alternative, to panhandle.  It is another thing to exploit young children and endanger their health and their lives.

We look forward to hearing from YOU.

A few days ago, I got onto the MBTA’s #1 bus headed into Cambridge, MA.  At the Hynes stop, the usual thirty five people–of varying shapes and sizes–boarded the bus.  As we barreled toward the Mass Ave Bridge, I heard this guy singing bad R & B music replete with melisma–a singing technique I despise–and lots of sour notes.  I realized this was not going to cease, and I was not going to be able to deal with this noise pollution all the way to Harvard Square.  I raced to strap on my iPod.

As I untangled my in-ear headphones–my saviors–I heard a voice say, “You shouldn’t keep those knotted up like that.”  I looked up to find the American Idol himself staring down at me.  I turned away and stuffed the buds in my ears.  Before I was wisked away by the dulcet tones of Band of Horses, I heard him say to his neighbor, “I can’t help but be offended.” 

I thought: OFFENDED?!  YOU?????  Let’s face it.  Last time I checked, the #1 bus was not a known Boston music venue.  I didn’t board the bus to catch this concert; I got on to catch a ride.  If anyone should have been offended, it was the other 35 innocents and I.  We were essentially being held hostage by Reuben Studdard, and had no way to change the channel. 

I could have really offended the guy, but I escaped instead.  The way I look at it, making an unsolicited public appearance is an act of bravery.  You have to be thick skinned enough to accept the consequences.  After all, he was attention seeking–and probably pissed that I wasn’t obliging him with any.  In any event, the next time I see that urban terrorist, I’m going to call homeland security.  Then, maybe he’ll really learn what it is like to be offended–or assaulted.  Remember Osama Bin Studdard: you reap what you sow!

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
                    –Jonas Berggren (Ace of Base)

Many streets in the Boston area are poorly marked or unmarked.  This is not one of them:

The sign seems pretty clear to me:

Oddly enough, I’ve still witnessed more cases of road rage at this intersection than any other in Boston or Cambridge.  A car will be waiting for the left turn signal in the middle lane–patiently and according to the letter of the law.  Unfortunately, the straight arrow turns green first.  Inevitably, some Masshole waiting behind him/her will start laying on the horn, gesticulating wildly and swearing their head off.  I recall two cases in which the driver of the first car was actually intimidated into driving straight, effectively missing their turn.

Actually, on second glance, the city fucked up this sign, too.  Ha.  The arrows on the street itself are correct.  But on the sign, the arrow to the right appears to be saying “right turn only”.  However, it should be straight and be saying “straight only”.  There is no street to the right–no place to turn right.  Go figure.  Let the road rage continue!