Boston’s Many Douche Lanes

As I was driving home today, I began pondering Boston’s many “douche lanes”.  These are traffic lanes that either by design or by fate become populated by douchebags.  Sometimes the lane creates the douchebag; sometimes it is the douchebag that gives the lane its bad name.

For example, at the end of Storrow Drive–where it forks into Soldier’s Field Road and the bridge over to Fresh Pond Parkway–the far right lane that heads down Soldier’s Field Road is a douche lane.  The left lane maps to the left lane on SFR and the middle lane to the right lane of SFR.  The douchebags that go into the far right lane are only there to practice douchecraft.  In other words, they are taking a legal opportunity to bypass all the people waiting at the light, only to merge (read: cut off) the people in the middle lane once they cross to the other side.  So, is this lane creating douchebags?  Or do only douchebags use that lane?  See exhibit A below.

douches.jpg

Then, of course, there is the fork where Brighton Ave and North Beacon St split.  There are 2 left turn only lanes and one lane that goes straight down North Beacon.  The douche lane here is the middle lane.  This is where the douchebags see all the people waiting patiently to get across that annoying intersection and find themselves “accidentally” in the middle lane, so they can bypass fellow drivers and then merge (read: cut off) cars to go down North Beacon.

I wrote about another interesting douche lane previously.  It is the CLEARLY MARKED middle lane in Porter Sq in Cambrige that allows cars to go straight or turn left.  What makes this one so interesting is that the douchebags are the people that find themselves in the middle lane and one or more cars is patiently (and legally) waiting to turn left.  The straight arrow turns green first, while the left turn arrow is still red.  Instead of realizing that they fucked up and made a poor lane choice, these douchebags let road rage overtake them and start leaning on their horns like a bunch of maniacs–and sometimes even drive around, stop and start swearing at the drivers in the cars waiting for the arrow to turn green.  See exhibit B  and C below.

Mass Ave Cambridge

street sign

Actually, an even funnier part about the sign in the second picture is that while it clearly explains the middle lane, it incorrectly shows a right turn only lane.  The only turn to the right is the stairwell down to the commuter rail; there is no street.  It should be a straight only lane.

So, what are your favorite douche lanes in the city?

25 Responses to “Boston’s Many Douche Lanes”

  1. Nicole Mongeon Says:

    My douche-lane is always the people who choose not to use the bike lane. AKA bikes on the sidewalk. IF YOU’RE GONNA RIDE A BIKE KEEP IT ON THE ROAD PEOPLE! I don’t look good with bike tire marks down my back!

  2. Rob B. Says:

    Nice! I wish Cambridge PD would ticket the horn-honking morons at the Porter intersection. I don’t know if Cambridge has anti-horn ordinances, but honking in designated douche zones in NY (all 5 boroughs) will net you a $350 ticket.

  3. Matt Says:

    Massholes always block the box on Comm going into the BU bridge. even the T has to wait. One time I was on a bus in the left lane at the light and had to wait 3 iterations before it could push through.

  4. Aaron Says:

    I’d have to go with the two far right lanes on rt 2 as it hits alewife. One is a right exit only lane, so much douchery going on in those lanes it’s amazing.

  5. Margaret Ann Says:

    Bless you for strumming my pain. I’ve lived in P Sq for the better part of 20 yrs and have fumed through more light cycles with some a-hole honking behind me than said a-hole has had hot suppers. “Douchelane” is my favorite neologism this year.

  6. Tim Says:

    Alewife has a couple. My favorite is the access road that goes from Alewife to Rte 2 (opposite of Aaron above). The right hand lane is right-turn only (onto Rte 16), but the douches zip up that lane, then block the people who want to turn right while they wait to cut off people in the left lane (who are going straight onto Rte 2).

  7. Ben Says:

    I’d vote for Broadway in Somerville between Ball Square and 28- there aren’t lines painted anywhere, so the question of if it’s one lane or two is answered by how many cars are on the road. I alwas feel like a douche using it as a two way road, though, because the road narrows at some point, blocking out some poor sap.

    And as someone who uses the far-right lane on SFR at the end of Storrow (out of forgetfulness more than ass-hattery), my bad!

  8. Dave Alpert Says:

    Yeah, Ben. we’ve all played the douche before… :-)

  9. Ashley Says:

    The far-right lane on Morrissey Blvd at the UMass light is douchetastic. Just past the light, most in the far-right lane ignore not one but TWO yield signs and crowd out those in the right-of-way-right lane trying to turn onto Savin Hill at Old Colony Terrace. There is almost no yielding to be had, ever. A symphony of honks and shouts accompanies each evening rush hour.

  10. Joe Says:

    The new configuration of Storrow Drive’s westbound Fenway/Kenmore/Mass Ave splits and merges created a new “douche lane”. After you go underneath the Mass Ave bridge, there are three lanes. The left lane was (and still is) an exit lane for Kenmore. The right lane was (and still is) the “continue west on Storrow” lane. Before a couple of weeks ago, the middle lane was “exit to Kenmore or stay on Storrow, your choice”. This wasn’t actually all that bad. Sometimes it would get clogged with Kenmore traffic, but you could generally get around it.

    In the last couple of weeks, the DCR (?) changed the lane configuration to dedicate the left and middle lanes to Fenway/Kenmore, and the single right lane to continue down Storrow. They put up lots of signs, pretty far in advance of the split. Unfortunately, that single right hand lane gets clogged pretty much every day. Here’s where the douchery sets in, though: while many people wait their turn to get through in the right lane, assholes fly down the middle lane and merge right as close to the split as they can. I don’t doubt this is part of the reason why the right lane gets so backed up… There has been a cop there on construction detail, I wish he’d call in some backup to ticket these jerks.

  11. Dave Alpert Says:

    i think there’s a silver lining with that one tho, Joe. the onramp westbound from the Fenway used to be a “yield” clusterfuck. now there is a dedicated lane to get onto storrow. no backup on the ramp anymore–apart from the people that didn’t get the memo about no more yielding.

  12. Shveda Says:

    Thank you Dave for pulling the douche-curtain back to show these douches for what they are. The Porter douche area is a given but my favorite/worst douche zone is the traffic circle at the intersection of Alewife Brooke Parkway and Concord Ave. at Fresh Pond. The doucheables are the people roaring down Alewife Brook Parkway and recklessly zipping into the circle doing 50 with no regard to traffic making their way through the circle. Not just a douche move but a dangerous douche move.

    This is not a douche-lane, it’s marked with a yeild sign but the douches with their douche blinders on don’t see it or, in one personal case, don’t understand what “YIELD” means. A true affliction common with douche bags.

    Here’s a true story:
    After almost getting run into the center of the circle by a top-of-the-line douche who was driving his mom’s Acura SUV with a gaggle of douchettes loaded in the back seat I get the opportunity to confront said douche while stuck in traffic waiting for one of the red lights on Concord.

    Me: “Hey, didn’t you see the yield sign?”

    Douche: “Yeah, I had the yield sign!”

    Me: “???”

    Douche: “That’s right! So what’s your problem?”

    Me: “The yield sign is for YOU you god damn idiot! It means YOU yield to traffic in the rotary! Are you really that stupid?”

    Meanwhile the douchette in the passenger seat leans over and quietly tells the douche that I’m right and he’s being a douche. He gets visibly distraught in his mock Elvis Presley sunglasses.

    Douche: “Well, you look like a 40 year old virgin!”

    Me: “Is that the best you can do? C’mon! This light takes forever. I bet you can come up with something better than that lame quip by the time this light turns green.”

    Douche: “F*** you!”

    He then pulls another douche move and bangs a u-turn and almost causes a 5 car pile up on Concord Ave.

    Douches are everywhere.

  13. Michael Pahre Says:

    Your Soldiers Field Road westbound at the Eliot Bridge example is a good one. It is made particularly worse (a Major Douchelane) because the cars in the RH lane then conflict with merging cars that are traveling southbound across the Eliot Bridge and then taking the ramp to westbound Soldiers Field Road. They have to merge with those douchebags in the last few feet of the douchelane, and then merge again with the douchebags and everyone else into what used to be the middle lane (but is now the LH lane in a two-lane road).

    I nominate another douche lane around the same location: the right-hand lane crossing the Eliot Bridge northbound. Idiot after idiot travels in the RH lane yet, once they cross the bridge, wants to merge two lanes left onto the Fresh Pond Parkway northbound. The RH lane is NOT for traffic continuing onto Fresh Pond Parkway; it is for traffic going to Memorial Drive eastbound. The douchebags should cross the Eliot Bridge in the left-hand lane instead.

  14. Reuben Says:

    Riverway heading SouthWest past Longwood. The right lane is supposed to be right turn only but is poorly marked. The middle and left lanes are supposed to shift about 5 feet to the right. Inevitably people in the middle lane get confused and merge into the left lane, causing near accidents nearly every time. I find myself strategically maneuvering around this when I’m in the left lane by getting about 2-3 feet in front of any car to my right and “pushing” him/her over, effectively forcing them into the lane they are supposed to be in. It works. But I know half the time that driver is thinking “WTF?” right up until they realize I’ve made them go into the lane they belong in.

    If the state just drew some dashed lines through the intersection keeping cars in the appropriate, there’d be no problem.

  15. Giro Says:

    Anywhere near or in the Sullivan Sq rotary is a combo of douchecraft and survival of the fittest. No wonder it’s Boston’s second most accident prone intersection.

  16. Patrick Maguire Says:

    Great thread. The douche lane in the city I hate the most is the imaginary one that drivers create when exiting left off of Storrow at Copley. I can’t believe anyone allows these fucking assholes who cut in line to merge in. There is often a long line of people waiting their turn in the single, left lane, to exit left. Invariably someone tries to come up on the right side and cut in quickly, and unsuspecting drivers get caught off guard and get cut off. Tighten up the line people!!! Maybe we should pitch in and hire the same snipers who killed the pirates to stand right at that intersection and pick these people off one by one.

    Funny story: My buddy called me from Logan last week while waiting in the TSA Security line. A woman cut in front of him, a family, and another solo passenger, and started putting her stuff on the belt. The guy she cut right in front of told her the line forms at the rear, to which she replied, “I have to catch a flight.” Did she actually think everyone else was just there practicing waiting in line??? Double douche. Hate them all.

  17. Jaro Says:

    I have to agree with Giro, Sullivan Sq. rotary is a clusterf**k. I unfortunately have to navigate this death trap and risk my life everyday going to work. Douchewaffles never yield there and don’t get me started on the MBTA bus drivers who, to their defense, are driving a 35 foot monster thru there several times a day.

  18. Nathan Williams Says:

    It’s true that the Porter one gets a lot of bad behavior, but I find it puzzling in the first place. Why have two left-turn-capable lanes when Somerville Ave immediately narrows down to one lane? You can’t tell in advance if the person in the far-left lane is going to get in the following left turn slot to turn into White St (not that there’s really enough space to get firmly into that slot) or is just going to go down Somerville Ave, so there’s a rather dubious merge.

  19. B Says:

    I drive through both of the ones you mention (end of Storrow, North Beacon) almost every day and it drives me crazy what people do. Is it THAT hard to simply follow the traffic rules here?

    Another I’d put up for this category is the intersection of Mass. Ave. and Sidney Street in Cambridge near Central Square. If you are traveling away from Boston toward Central, there are two lanes at the light. One is clearly marked a left hand turn lane, and thee is a left turn LIGHT there too. Drivers traveling straight up Mass. Ave. don’t want to wait in line and get over to the turn only lane and when the left turn arrow comes on THEY DON’T MOVE so anyone turning left is stuck behind them for at least another light cycle. I lay on the horn and drive around them often when there isn’t much traffic, but still. Ugh.

    Douchelane - very apt.

  20. David Elohi Says:

    Douche

  21. wellbasically Says:

    I admit to being a douche. I used to hate when people used that right hand lane onto Soldier’s Field, but then I used it and it works, during rush hour at least. Sometimes it’s hard to merge, but I can get into a little race with whoever’s in the center lane (if they’re mad because I’m being a douche), and then slow up to get behind them.

    They put this lane in for a reason, because there’s too much traffic for the light. You’ll notice coming over the bridge in the opposite direction, there’s four lanes at the light! which are supposed to merge down to two.

  22. Jennifer Says:

    Heading into Arlington from Cambridge on Mass Ave. The left lane of Mass Ave turns into a left turn only lane. The middle lane is straight on. The right lane is both straight and a right turn. The douche lane is the middle one. When you cross into Arlington there are no lane markings. While the right lane is clearly marked on the road that you can go straight or turn right, many people in the middle lane think that the right lane is for right turns only. The middle lane people proceeding forward either drive down the middle of the two unmarked lanes or migrate immediately to the right and cut off anyone going straight from the right lane. The stretch of Mass Ave from the Rt 16/Mass Ave to Pleasant St/Mass Ave is a double douche lane. While the street is clearly wide enough for two lanes (plus a bike lane), people drive down the middle of the street as if it is only one lane - even when they are in traffic.

  23. ZedThou Says:

    I have to nominate both Brookline Ave inbound lanes at Riverway. Everyone becomes a douche at this location, blocking the intersection in an effort to get through the light, bogging down Riverway northbound traffic.

  24. Chris Says:

    How about during rush hour when people ride in the right lane of the inbound Leverett connector until the last minute and then cut into the left lane just before you hit the tunnel. It makes me want to do bad things to other human beings ; )

  25. Boston Dan Says:

    Chris, that one takes the cake.

    Non-douches need to band together and simply ignore the douches - let them die out there, stranded in douche land.

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